No, you are not human anymore

Tragedy is controversial. It can change your life forever. Not only your personality but the attitudes of people around you change drastically. All you want is to be left alone in peace but the world either pities you or shows contempt. You are judged on everything minute that otherwise a normal person can get away with easily. And not only at every point in life you are questioned, you are also held to a higher moral ground than everybody else. The rules dont apply to you anymore. No, you are not human anymore.

Where were you when I slept hungry?

I have not written anything except for some reports for my research in a long time. It’s not that important issues, political or social, have not risen but I was not paying much attention to what’s going on around me in the past few months until today.

Today, I came across a picture on someone’s facebook that has forced me to pick up my pen; A little child wearing a “topi” is picking up garbage either for food or to help his father or mother to make a living.

I kept staring at this picture for a long time. My initial thoughts were about the child of course; A mixture of shock and sympathy, and then my mind travelled to the many times I have come across such sights while living in Pakistan. It’s only then that I asked myself: What if I had been brought up in such poverty? Or worse, what if this had been my child? Looking around in a garbage dump, trying to find something to feed himself?

My heart broke and only one thing came to my mind.

I would rather die than be a parent who can’t provide a good living to her children. By sheer stroke of luck, some of us have been born in well-off families, or atleast have enough resources to be able to live comfortably, but we hear so many stories of parents committing suicide because they can’t feed their children or buy them clothes for eid. Can we even imagine what kind of a situation can force a person to kill himself? What height of depression and desperation could make a person take his life that he even does not care for the children he is leaving behind orphaned? Definitely someone who cannot face himself, who cannot live with himself knowing his children are hungry or ill and he can’t buy them food or medicine.

And then I see the rich and the elite rulers of our country. I see them driving posh cars, carrying expensive handbags and wearing designer sunglasses while talking about poverty and other issues our country is facing. This isn’t something new for us and this is certainly not the first time you are reading about this injustice and insanity but question is; For how long will this go on? When will we step up and demand social equality? When will we say “Enough is enough”? When will we establish such a welfare society where wealth would not be accumulated by a select few but instead will be distributed to those who are in dire need of it? Will that day ever come when we’d be proud to say that no one goes to sleep hungry in our country?

I know this is not possible even for the rich and developed societies but atleast we could strive for an equal social order?  Those who are in power and have the ability to change the system must not forget that they are greatly responsible for the miserable condition the poor are living in. And those of us who are blessed with wealth have to learn to share it.  The conscience that we have so conveniently put to sleep must be woken up because no one lives forever.  We cannot shrug off our responsibility so easily and close our eyes to all these children dying of hunger around us. We must not forget that one day we’d be standing in His court and every one of these children will ask us “Where were you when I slept hungry?”

So do what you can on an individual basis and when it comes to selecting those who are ruling us, take a deep look inside your heart and ask yourself: Is this person honest and sincere enough to take us out of our misery? Make the decision very, very carefully and while you ponder over it, do not forget those little children who should be in school making colorful drawings but are picking up garbage from your street.

In the loving memory of my grand mother…….

December 10th, 1984

It’s a bright, sunny day today. I see a beautiful white fairy who wants to give me candy. I want to eat it so much but my mom says no and she pushes the fairy away. I don’t like it and start crying. This is not fair. Its my candy. And my fairy. If only there was my Nano instead of my mom, she would have let me have that candy.

I dont like my mom.
Well, atleast right now, i dont.

Brrrinnng. Brrrinnng. The phone rings and the fairy goes away. I open my eyes.

Oh well. It was just a dream. Im still lying in my bed. My father is still reading the newspaper and my mom is still getting ready. We are going somewhere, I think. I don’t understand why my mom takes so much time to get ready. She hardly wears any makeup so why does she need so much time. And why cant she give me my feeder. I need milk.

Right now. As in “Right Now”.

So I do what I do best. I cry. Loudly. My mom looks upset. Good. Serves her right for ignoring me and taking so long to get ready. But, oh no, its my father who has to go and get my bottle. No. That didn’t work. So I cry more until my eyes fill up with tears and I hear my mom say “She is doing a big drama. She cant be hungry”.

That shuts me up. My mom knows me too well. If only it was my Nano here. She would have scolded my mom and taken me up in her arms and rocked me back and forth and said all the cute words in the world.

I love my Nano.

Finally. My parents are ready. We are going somewhere. I hope it’s somewhere nice. As my dad starts driving and talking to my mom, I realize we are going to visit my favourite person in the whole wide world. Nano jaan. She is my dad’s favourite too. He adores her, and keeps telling my mom that she should be like her. I love such conversations.

Oh. We are already here. That was fast. As my nano opens the door, I jump from my mom’s arms to my nano’s and squeal with joy. She smothers me with kisses and hugs me tightly and ignores my running nose. She instantly takes out some candy for me, breaks it up into small pieces and puts them one by one into my mouth.

See. That’s why I love her so much. My mom raises an eyebrow, my nano raises hers twice as much. My mom’s eyebrow goes down.

Victory !

And then I spend the next few hours in heaven.

Love. Kisses. Candy. Food.
A new red sweater and a doll.

Did I tell you that I like playing with my nano’s ears? And I just love her warm and loving face. She has a beautiful face by the way. Infact, she looks like the fairy im always dreaming about. I touch her nose and try to put my finger in her mouth. She bites me. Ouch ! My nano is playful too. And she always tells my dad that im her favourite grandchild.

Ofcourse. Why wouldn’t I be? Im adorable.

And now I see my dad getting up. No. Its too soon. I don’t want to leave. My mom starts gathering her things and I cling desperately to my nano, not wanting to be separated from her.

I see my parents go outside as my nano follows them with me hanging onto her. As my dad starts the engine, my mom tries to take me in her arms. I refuse. I clutch my nano’s shoulders with what little strength I have.

And then I do what I do best. I start crying. Very loudly this time. And with tears. No. No. I don’t want to go. I love being here. My mom doesn’t hear me and tears me apart from my nano.

My tears are for real this time. No drama. I promise.

As soon as I separate from her, I feel sad and lost. I cling to my mom’s shoulder and stare at the person I love the most. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to be away from her. My dad starts driving and my mom tries to get my attention by talking silly and trying to lure me with my new doll. I don’t want that doll. I want to go back. I want to go back to my nano.

And with my tearful eyes, I look back at her. She is getting smaller and smaller but I can still see her waving. My mom tells me we will see her soon again. That makes me feel a little better and I close my eyes.

After all, its only in my dream that I can get candy when my mom is around !

Journey of a woman - From Pakistan to the Netherlands

In a university, PhD students provide the necessary research adrenaline to the scientific environment. However, as “Het Proefschrift Journal for PhD candidates” at TU Delft states:

‘Doing a PhD can be a very lonely, uphill journey. We at TU Delft have to address this issue. PhD students are a special group within the TU Delft community. Their needs differ from those of other students and employees, and because they are spread out across the university, they are hard to target as a group. No wonder they sometimes feel left out.’ 

Therefore, the human library concept has recently been introduced in TU Delft to bring the PhD students closer to each other and also to provide them with an opportunity to interact with the Rector in an informal setting. In a regular library we have books that we can borrow at any time and read, similarly, a “Human Library” has people as “Living Books” that we can borrow and listen to. The living books have their own story to tell, sometimes sharing their life changing experiences or telling motivational and inspiring stories. 

Keeping this objective in mind, several nominations were given by the organizing committee and I was nominated by my friend and colleague, Eva Lantsoght. Luckily, out of all the PhD candidates, I was selected by the Rector of TU Delft to present at the first Human Library event held at our campus library, thus becoming  the first TU Delft Living Book. 

The Rector also nominated some employees of the university as Living Books and the PhD students selected Anja Stokkers as their choice of book. I loved listening to her story about her wonderful professional career. The event itself was very nicely organized, informal and gave all of us a chance to get to know each other better. Most importantly, I got the opportunity to talk about my favourite topics: Pakistan, Women, Culture, Religion. It was like speaking my heart out and I did it with great pleasure. 

                                                         ..........................................

In 2009, Sana Amir was granted a full PhD scholarship by her university in Pakistan where she worked as a lecturer. Excited about this opportunity, she thought life could not get any better. Little did she know what was in store for her.

 

From Pakistan to the Netherlands, this is the journey of a woman :

 

From a male dominating, conservative country where religion is twisted to support the wrong cultural traditions and yet, it’s the same country that elected a female prime minister twice in its history,

 

To a liberal European one that believes in equal rights for everyone . A country that offers women greater control over their lives than that of France or Japan.

 

This is the story of how she finds herself lost in the beginning but gradually comes to love her freedom and independence while maintaining her identity as a muslim, Pakistani woman.  

                                                               .......................................


Here, I would like to share my Living Book Prologue and a few pictures. 

Another life - Another tale

Tumhein dillagi bhool jani pare gi
Muhabbat ki raahon mein aa kar to dekho
Tarapne pe mere na phir tum hanso ge
Kabhi dil kisi se laga kar to dekho

Her feet felt tired and were aching. She desperately wanted to stop and just lie down for a while, maybe ask one of the maids to massage her sore limbs but she could not. Today was “The Day”, her unveiling. Although she had been practicing for months now but today felt like a never-ending day of several sessions that were exhausting her out. Apa ji had meticulously trained her with the art and now when her hands moved in the air, gracefully pointing towards the guests and her long neck tilted to one side like a swan, even the air around her seemed enchanted. You are a gem, Apa ji had told her many times since that tragic day. Had fate not thrown her in Apa ji’s way, God knows where she might have been. Dead, probably. She shook her head to push away the painful thoughts and continued enticing the guests by swaying her body along with the music……

Honton ke paas aye hansi, kya majaal hai
Dil ka muamla hai koi dillagi nahin

Zakhm pe zakhm kha ke ji
Apne lahoo ke ghont pi
Aah na kar labon ko see
Ishq hai dillagi nahin

Dil laga kar pata chaley ga tumhein
Aashiqui dillagi nahin hoti

She checked her makeup in the compact, ran her fingers through her hair, took one long breath and got out of the car to face the cameras. The vultures were onto her asking her to give more details for the merger that her company was forming with another multinational. No comments, she gestured with her hands. Her secretary told the reporters that details would be given by the company’s spokesperson later in the evening. Someone asked her if her husband would have done the same thing? For a split second, her face showed  a slight hint of pain but she quickly brushed away the reporter and with quick, brisk short steps went inside the building. As soon as she entered the building, she took off her shades and prepared herself to face the largest merger contract signing of recent times…… 

Kuch khel nahin hai ishq ki laag
Paani na samajh ye aag hai aag

Khoon rulaye gi ye lagi dil ki
Khel samjho na dillagi dil ki

Yeh ishq nahin aasaan
Bas itna samajh leejay
Ik aag ka darya hai
Aur doob ke jaana hai

The little girl didn’t know where she was. It was raining very hard and she was cold but she didn’t want to go home without getting the water from the well. She hadn’t wanted to go out at such a late hour but she knew she couldn’t say no to her stepmother. She shuddered at the thought of facing her without fulfilling the task that she was given, but she had no choice. Her father had gone to the nearby village and would be back the next morning so there was no refuge at home. It was very dark already and with the rain, she could barely make out her way. She felt tears welling up in her huge eyes and had to bit up her lip to keep herself from crying. It suddenly dawned on her that she had lost her way and the strange houses showed her that she was very far from home……

Wafaaon ki hum se tawaqo nahin hai
Magar ek baar aazma kar tou dekho
Zamanay ko apna bana kar tou dekha
Humein bhi tum apna bana kar tou dekho

The meeting had gone quite well. She had a dinner party to attend that night and as she slipped into a brand new dress that she had ordered for this occasion especially, she suddenly felt sadness seeping inside her. Why did he go away so soon? It felt just like yesterday that he was here, in the same room, with her. She could literally imagine him watching her put on her makeup and casually telling her she should put her hair down, as he preferred. She sighed and then went back to the task of getting ready. As she was leaving the house, she glanced at one of the corridor mirrors and saw a cool and confident woman with a dignified persona. People called her the ice queen. Little did they know how far from truth they really were. It used to be all fire inside her. Hot and burning. 

Rukh se naqab utha, ke bari der ho gayi
Mahol ko tilaawat-e-quraan kiye hoye
Hum na samjhe teri nazron ka taqaza kya hai
Kabhi parda kabhi jalwa yeh tamasha kya hai
Jan-e-jan hum se uljhan nahin dekhi jaati
Khuda ke liye chor do ab yeh parda...

 “Im sorry, I don’t know what to say to you”, he said to her. She looked up at him trying to guess his age, late twenties maybe? He had been a regular visitor ever since she had started her “act”, about two months ago. Initially he looked quite awkward as it was clear he had never visited these streets before. And it came to no one’s surprise when one day he requested for a private conversation as he clearly was coming there just for her. “Im not the kind of person you think I am”, he said after a while. Then he went onto explain that he was writing an article and he needed some insight into this kind life. It was just a hobby for him otherwise he was working in his father’s firm. Once he started talking he couldn’t stop and she felt herself getting totally absorbed into what he was saying……..

Khuda ke liya chor do ab yeh parda
Keh hain aaj hum tum nahin ghair koi
Shab-e-wasl bhi hai hijaab iss kadar kyon
Zara rukh se aanchal utha kar tou dekho

The little girl opened her eyes to find herself in a strange home. A middle-aged woman was sitting beside her with cloth strips dipped in a water basin and was pressing her forehead with the wet pieces. “What’s your name, little one?”, the woman asked. The little girl simply stared back and covered her face with her hands to hide her tears. “Shhhhh… Don’t cry, let me get you something to eat. You are too weak right now”, the woman said. She called someone in the kitchen to bring some food and went back to treating the poor girl she had found unconscious after the terrible storm had subsided. She had tried searching for the girl’s parents but could not get any clue. Filing a police report was out of the question as she did not want any kind of attention to herself. The local people didn’t know anything, so she had brought her home and was now thinking to take her to the city where she lived…… 

Jafaaein buhat kien buhat zulm dhaye
Kabhi ik nigah-e-karam iss taraf bhi
Humesha huay dekh kar mujh ko barham
Kissi din zara muskura kar to dekho

The pain had subsided but her eyes hurt from all the crying. How could he do this to her? She had never imagined that he would go away from her so soon. Death is like a black hole and when a loved one dies, it engulfs us within itself in a very cruel manner. Keeping us alive, but barely. Oh how she wished time to go back to the fateful morning of a few weeks ago. What if she had stopped him from going out? The accident wouldn't have happened. What did she do that God took him away from her? The thoughts were haunting her now. “Why him, why us?” She could hardly remember the mourning services, family and friends expressing sympathies and asking her to be patient. “THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS EVER CARED ABOUT ME JUST DIED”, she wanted to shout back at them but words escaped her, only her moans came out. Now everyone was gone and she was all alone in this huge house, reliving every moment she had spent with him. The children were too small to realize that they had just been deprived of one of the most beautiful relations of the world. The vice president of the firm, her husband’s best friend had taken the children to his place till she felt good enough to take care of them. He had left some messages with her secretary regarding future of the company. “You need to come back. The sharks are already eyeing the top spot your husband left but you own the major shares and the board has complete confidence in you. Get back and we’ll vote.” The message was very clear and she knew sooner or later she had to come out to face the world but it felt like a betrayal. Would he think I have moved on, stopped caring? No, silly. He loved you and would want to see you taking care of what he and his father before him had built-up over the years. You owe this to him, you owe this to your children. “Tomorrow. I’ll be back tomorrow” she sent a message to the office……

Jo ulfat mein har ek sitam hai gawara
Yeh sab kuch hai paas-e-wafa tum se warna
Satate ho din raat jiss tarha mujh ko
Kissi ghair ko youn sata kar to dekho

Everyone called her Apa ji. She was a middle aged woman who had worked part time in a few movies in her younger years but was now known in her circles as the owner of one of the best houses in these streets. Despite such a background there was nothing cheap about her or her girls. The clientele therefore was more elite than what most of other houses could boast of. The little girl was now feeling at home with all the new people and learning new things with each passing day. She missed her father but was glad to escape the step mother. “Time for your lesson, don’t be lazy”, Apa ji called out to her. The music had already started…….

Agarche kissi baat par woh khafa hain
To acha yehi hai tum apni si kar lo
Woh maanein na mannein yeh marzi hai unki
Magar un ko pur-nam mana kar to dekho

In the beginning she felt terribly scared when he told her what he had in mind but she trusted him and after he assured her that his family would support them, she said yes. She did feel some guilt at leaving her “family” without telling anyone but then she didn’t have much choice. She had always hoped for a better life and this could be her chance at that. His parents were initially very critical of his choice but then gradually had come to accept their son’s decision and allowed them to marry quietly. What would she do at his home all day? She wondered to herself. “Okay. So here’s the deal. You are going back to school”, he said to her with a twinkle in his eyes. “I have arranged for home schooling, so let’s gets started”, he smiled at her and she knew she had married the right person. 

Tumhein dillagi bhool jani pare gi
Muhabbat ki raahon mein aa kar tou dekho

The applause was overwhelming. She looked radiant but composed. As she received the prize for the best female entrepreneur of the year, she couldn’t help but think of the person she owed her whole life to. Tears were brimming in her eyes and her children and other guests stood up to give her a standing ovation. As she looked back at them, memories of her life flash-backed before her eyes, with her husband dominating all thoughts. The presenter asked her for a few words so she started gesturing with her hands, while her secretary translated to the crowd that she was thankful to all of them and how much she owed to her late husband and children……….      

Sana.

* This is purely a work of fiction and any resemblance between the characters and persons living or dead is totally coincidental.